To Mom (A letter from a gay son)

The following is from Gay Family Values. It was a letter attached to the video you will see below. It was so touching that I thought I would re-share it here with you, because sometimes we forget just how hard it is, even for today’s LGBTQ youth, to come out to their parents. 

To Mom,
Mom I have been trying to talk to you for a while now but I just can’t bring the words to say it. So, I am writing you this letter instead. I just want you to know that it isn’t because I don’t feel like I can’t talk to you it’s just that I can’t bring myself to say the words.

So for a while now I have been struggling with myself internally. I have hated myself for a really long time and as scary as it sounds I thought of suicide as the only escape. I then thought of you, my family, my friends, and all of the other things that I would miss out on. What you have to understand is that this was and still is really hard for me. I’ve tried for the longest time to change but I just can’t . I would give anything to be different but this just is not going to change about me. By this point you can probably tell that what I am going to tell you is that I am gay. And I am sure you always knew.

The hardest part about this was trying to accept myself which took a really long time and I am still not entirely happy about how I turned out. You always told me that if I was gay that you would not care and I believed you, I just did not want to believe that I was gay. The worst thing about this is that people think that it is a choice or a phase. If it was a choice, I obviously would not be choosing to be discriminated against and treated as a second class citizen.

What is most important to me is that you don’t treat me any different. This is just a small part of me and is not going to change how I am in any way. So just treat me as if I never wrote you this letter because I am really not comfortable with being gay yet so just leave the subject out of conversation for a while. As I am not suicidal any more, I am not yet comfortable with the whole situation but I am working on it. I’ve been talking to someone who is on YouTube who is gay and has a family and we both agreed that it would be best to tell you first. He is the reason that I have hope for my future because obviously you don’t see too many gay families out there.

It would be best that you don’t tell any one even if you think that they will be accepting because they need to know when I want them to know, not when you want them to know. I have heard of horror stories where kids have been disowned by their parents who were anti-gay and I am lucky to have a mother such as you.

Again, I would like you to know that I am not choosing this. I heard you say “whatever makes you happy” when you asked Justin if he was gay because of his shirt and he said “maybe I am.” Though he was joking and I know you would have been accepting, the phrase you said doesn’t quite describe it accurately. It isn’t that it makes me happy because that is implying a decision which it is not. It is simply a characteristic, maybe even genetic though that has not been proven.

I know things are going to get awkward. I am not going to be going around talking about guys and I am sure as hell not going to go see Magic Mike in theaters. Just leave it alone for a while unless you feel like you really need to talk to me. Just keep this information to yourself and everything will play itself out in the long run as I decide to tell more people. This was really hard for me to do and just know that I am going to have a normal life and someday hopefully get married.

All I want from you is to be there for me when things get rough. Not everyone is going to accept this or accept me. I’m going to lose friends and gain others. I want you to be there at my wedding. I want you to be a grandmother to my future kids and you are going to teach them everything that you’ve taught me. Nothing is changing in my future except for my spouse. And I hope that one day I will have somebody to bring home to you and be proud of.

I never met my dad but I know that he is looking down on us and I will be able to meet him someday in heaven regardless of what people say. And I know that things are hard for you right now, with Dad and with Denise but I promise you that I will be there for you if you need me because I know that you will be there for me when I need you.
I love you and look forward to the awkwardness of the next few days…
And thank you for being such a great mother to me through it all. Thank you for being my biggest supporter, my friend, and for putting up with all of my shenanigans. No matter what happens I know that I will have you there even if nobody else is.