Gay IS a choice because I experimented- Your thoughts?

I came across this little gem (below)  in the comments section on a site about youth suicide. I won’t provide a link here simply because it didn’t offer any links for suicide prevention or counseling, and for me, it seemed to have a  feeling of promoting suicide more than preventing it. That said, the ‘logic’ of the post below caught me off guard and the assumption it made even more so. See what you  think:


“I have to admit, I do think the gay culture is NOT normal. I think it is a sin. But I also have dipped my toe into that pool. That is why I believe it IS a choice. We may have tendencies to go that way. But it IS a choice. But, I did not mean to get all preachy. So with that being said…” (and it continues with an offer of support and friendship. Emphasis mine.)


So the erroneous (and obnoxious) assumption here is that because a straight man once tested the waters of his potentially gay inner self, that must mean being gay is a choice for all men and women. Thus sexual experimentation becomes defacto the definition for the inner turmoil and mind set of what it means to be gay for every other human on the planet.  The arrogance of that kind of thought process bothers me more than it probably should.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I didn’t suddenly wake up one day and decide I needed someone’s penis to make me happy. It was never about what they had between their legs. It was an attraction to the whole person, to the male physique, to the musculature and beauty of men. It wasn’t that I didn’t find women beautiful, it was that I wasn’t attracted to women on a level that went deeply beneath the skin and the sex.

Logic has never been a part of homophobia, so let me give some advice to all you straight boys who fear your secret might come out. Don’t worry, sexual  experimentation doesn’t make you gay, it’s just a part of life. But your fear of ridicule and exposure over a natural part of growing up  doesn’t make gay a ‘choice’  either.

Maybe one day we will evolve as a society enough to simply say, Yeah, tried that, wasn’t for me and move on. 


  • As a lesbian, I’m gonna take the unpopular opinion that there is an element of choice for some of us. I think that has to do more with the scale of sexuality. There are some people who never have to chose if they want a relationship with a man or one with a woman because they know it in their bones. For others, their attractions are more murky and they have a bit of a choice which way to go.

    Also, anyone can choose to be straight for the societal ease it will give you, if you are willing to put up with never being very fulfilled or happy because your heart wants something else.

    Just my two cents.

  • Sam Schooler

    Well hey, I go for the ladies, but once upon a time I dated a dude, so that must mean I CHOSE to like the ladies.

    Or, you know, I went out for cock and realized once I had it that it wasn’t for me, and so migrated to the ladies side of the fence. Of course, that’s just me. As CarrieAnn said, people can be in relationships for months or years before realizing that the source of their unhappiness lies in the fact that they are with a person of the gender they are not attracted to.

    It’s early in the morning and I want to be more eloquent, but I’m basically of the opinion that that comment is stupid.

  • Embrycarlysle

    very well said Brandon……

  • The arrogant logic is, of course, faulty. Just because someone one “dips their toe in”, it means absolutely nothing. I had a year long relationship with a woman who claims she is completely straight. It’s either self-delusion or comes down to the fact that the commenter was curious and is genuinely straight. Whatever the outcome, what remains is that people, especially people’s sexuality, cannot be judged by a certain set of criterion that must be met. It is far more complicated than gay, or straight. There are many colors to the rainbow. As far as the sin comment, well, we could debate religion all day long, and some people are still so blinded by dogma that they will never be able to see the truth, which is that we are all human, we all have faults and frailties, we all commit “sin”, no one is perfect, but LOVE can overcome all of it, because when we open our heart to love and compassion the flaws become beautiful too.

  • Opinionsofawolf

    I think when bisexuality is more understood and embraced by both the straight and gay/lesbian communities that it will make things easier for everybody. I know when I thought that my only choice was be straight or be a lesbian, I was very confused and hostile to pretty much everybody, because I was positive I was attracted to men, but I also felt attracted to women. When I understood that there was this other thing called bi, I was able to relax into my own sexuality and also embrace everyone else’s.

  • J.A. Grier

    Of the many things that disturb me about this comment, I’ll mention one.

    The ‘offer of support and friendship’ is made conditionally. That is, the person making the comment first states that those who might figuratively (or literally) seek this personal offer are doing something he thinks is a willful sin. Anyone who might take this person up on their offer can only do so by demeaning themselves and their own beliefs – it further damages an already needy person.

    It is therefore an offer that only helps the person offering, so that they can solidify their own psychological position of being ‘part of the solution’ and ‘in the right.’ Offers made that genuinely help others must be made based on what those people actually need – we must set aside our own biases, agendas, and prejudices. Well all have them, but they only get in the way of honest help.

  • K. Z. Snow

    One time = a choice to be gay? Then not to be gay because it “isn’t normal”? Holy cow. That depth of ignorance is unfathomable.

  • I think you hit the nail on the head, Brandon. The arrogance of that kind of thinking is astonishing, and it bugs me more than it should too. If human experience were that singular, the guy wouldn’t even need to share the thought because it would be everyone’s experience.

    • His statement kind of made me wonder how prevalent the thought was…. ?!

  • That is a perfect way to put it. Being gay doesn’t mean that you don’t think that woman aren’t beautiful. I get that all the time. I call a woman pretty and i get look from my non gay friends. Just cause i think she is beautiful doesn’t mean i have to have “feeling for her”.

    Being gay is the whole package. Some straight people forget that, and argue the same thing you see above. Gay people don’t “choose” a life time of ridicule. I have had things thrown at me, thrown on me, hit, kicked by people and people with things. but it wont change who i am, nor would i want it to. We all are who we are no matter.

    • Thanks for stopping by Ken. I’ve bumped into that a few times myself. As if b/c we’re gay we can only appreciate one half of the human form. Never understood that.